April 19, 2010

Monday, April 19, 2010 6:18 AM, EDT

I can't believe that it was a year ago that we knew our little darlin' would need heart surgery. I was in shock that day. Yes, I knew it was a possibility but I didn't let myself "go there" too often. Praise the Lord for Dr. Bremer. She was and has been such a tremendous blessing to us. She was so calm that day and I needed that. And it is truly amazing that there was a cancellatio

n so I was able to get in quickly because I think it was just a week or two before she was gone from that practice and we might not ever have met because of the timing had we not gone in that particular day. I cried to my mother on the way home. She always knew when my appointments were and would call me right after if I didn't call her right away. It's still so difficult to not talk to her every day. I'm sad that Geneva has gone through so much during her little life but give thanks to the Lord for allowing my mother and I to be closer then we were ever before. There was even a much stronger bond because of Geneva and I praise Him so much for allowing me that precious few months with my mother before her passing. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and have a terrible longing to hug her and tell her how much I love her and to hear her talk to the children and encourage them.

I looked over some of the emails we had exchanged this past year and there was one from her just a few months before her passing. I asked for family history regarding heart conditions and she told me she had SVT but other than that the doctors ran extensive tests on her and said her heart was "perfect". I still don't understand how her heart could have enlarged overnight because she had an echo and all kinds of other tests less than 48 hrs before her passing. I just need to review her medical records so I can try and have a peace with her passing. I know it was her time and God's timing is perfect. I so just wish I could have known for even 5 minutes so I could have had that last goodbye.

Geneva loved talking to her grandma and she's still quite the talker. She has special words for her siblings and she says doggie and pretty, hey, hi and a few others. She loves to pretend to go to her daddy at night and then cling to me. She'll laugh and laugh about that. I'll ask her if she's a mommy girl and she bobs up and down for yes. I'll ask if she's a daddy girl and she shakes her head violently back and forth no. She then loves to giggle. If anyone claps or sings happy birthday then she lights up and thinks it's all about her.

Within the past few weeks, I had her on the floor on a little playmat and I heard Weston (5) say "Whee" and Geneva giggling. I looked directly behind me and not even two feet away and there he was holding on to her sleeper footie and twirling her around in a circle. I told him to be careful because she could get hurt. Not skipping a beat, he bent over, felt her chest, and then todl me she was fine because her heart was still beating. He said, "she likes it" and went back to playing with her. We had a little talk about safety and how we don't necessarily do something we like or somebody else does just because it's fun but that we could find some other way to play together. I can tell they are going to be a dynamic duo!

We've received some wonderful reports from doctor's over the past week or so. Geneva's bloodwork has come back perfect and she has no signs of celiac disease, good thyroid function, no kidney malformation from sonogram finding, no neuro issues, very little webbing, and fingernails are improving. All around great reports. We still just LOVE all of her doctors and are soooo thankful. It's awesome to talk to her neurologist about sustainable living and organic food, her endocrinologist has TS and is such a kind doctor and inspiration, her geneticist is great and we talked about our families and Dave Ramsey, and of course, we would never trade her cardiologist for anyone in the world. I am so praying that none of them ever move because I'm really at peace about them treating her and the thought of finding other doctors causes me great stress.

We are seeing her cardiologist every 2-3 months. Next appointment is in a few weeks. I am praying for great news and for those valves to keep growing! We are trying to continue living as though we will need no more surgeries but there is always that possibility and it's difficult to not have that nagging at the back of my mind.

Geneva is slowing down in growth. Some of her weight issues are likely due to the fact that she was sick for so many weeks and fighting RSV. We are not going to use growth hormones because of the stress it could put on her heart. They could help with the tubes in her ears to line up properly but PRAISE GOD, she hasn't had an ear infection and her hearing test was perfect. So, the risks aren't worth the benefits at this point nor can I ever see them being that way but we'll take it as it comes.

Thank you all so much for your support, love, prayer and encouragement. I thank the Lord for the time with Geneva and try not to think about the uncertainty of the future. I know others who don't have their daughters to hold right now and it causes me so much pain for them, from one mother to another. Those women have offered such love to me and so many others. I think of them and pray for them often. Please do the same. The Lord has called us all to different paths and we know His ways are perfect. I don't know what the future holds but I have to trust Him completely.

Have a lovely week. We have new baby chicks that will be laying some yummy eggs this fall. We can't wait. I'm hoping to get some compost delivered for our garden so we can get more things in the ground. My last batch of honey lipbalm turned goopy because I added too much honey to try and make it sweeter. :-) Ive had lots of positive comments about the all natural deodorant I make so that is encouraging. We are hoping to find out this week if we will be getting a few beehives!! Oh, the apple trees will like that!

Love,
Stephanie